How to give a compliment

I’ll begin this post with some background info.  On January 1, 2007 I weighed 313 pounds.  When I stepped on the scale last Monday I came in at 261. 

I’ll pause for a minute for the applause…

And before you ask (because everyone does) I stopped snacking and limit myself to one serving per meal.  That’s it.  No magic diet.

I’ve also had only about 8 hours sleep over the last two nights.  I really miss my pillow.

Anyway…

Today during a break at the state meeting I’m attending a teacher I only see once a year came up and started talking to me and a couple of other people.  After a few minutes the other people went on their way and left just the two of us.  She leaned into me with her head tilted just so, and in a slight whisper said, “Is everything alright?”

??????????

“Uhm, as far as I know.  Why do you ask?”

“Well, when the cancer took my brother he looked just like you do.”

DAMN, I must look like hell today… 

Pillows everywhere

I’m not sure how you may feel about pillows but I really become attached to mine and find it hard to sleep on a strange one.

I forgot my pillow when I packed up to come to this meeting.  I realized it when I was about 75 miles from home, too far to turn back.

When i got to my room here at the hotel I noticed there were eight pillows on the bed.  Wow.  Out of eight pillows you would think at least one might suffice.

You would think wrong.

Eight pillows and all were hard as a rock.  If a hotel was going to put eight pillows on your bed hopefully they would go with a couple of very firm ones, a couple of firm, a couple medium, and a couple soft ones. 

And this is a single room.  Why in the world would anyone need eight pillows? 

If I’m elected king o’ the world one of my first proclamations will address this issue…

What did he just say?

I’m very active in my local teacher’s association (read “union” in there…) and am currently at the state delegate assembly.  Pretty boring stuff, trust me.  Luckily the hotel has wireless access.

The President of the state association is the moderator of the meetings.  Just a few minutes ago he made the following announcement:

“We are going to take a 15 break now so you can go out and spread your legs.”

He immediately realized what he said and turned a bright red, and needless to say the meeting hall absolutely roared.

Really, I don’t make this stuff up…

Perplexed

If you’ve read the post before last you know we’re giving state mandated tests this week.   I teach Algebra 2 third period and seventh period.  Because of testing I haven’t seen my third period class for almost two weeks.  Instead of working ahead with my seventh period class we’ve been reviewing the material from this year, hopefully so something will stick to their brain for when they take MY state test.

I’ve been assigning a lot of work, and the kids have been grumbling a bit so today I told them to work problems 1 – 37 every other odd one.

A girl who sits in the back of the room, a very timid young lady  who has never raised her hand before slowly bagan to stretch an arm towards the ceiling. 

Slightly amazed I asked, “Do you have a question Whitney?”

“Uhm, ah, well,” she replied.  “Isn’t every other one already odd, Mr. W______”

 

An update

I now have 23 staplers and 6 tape dispensers.

I’ll take pictures Monday and try to post them here…

E I E I O

My school is in the middle of three weeks of mandatory end of instruction tests.  EOI as they are known in these here parts.  Is Oklahoma the only state where “end” of instruction tests are given 6 weeks before the end of school?  Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

I was the test administrator yesterday for some of the kids taking the U.S. History test.  This test is given online and there are two parts.  Each part is to take approximately 60 minutes.

I walked the kids through the login process and read the test instructions, verbatim from the book (don’t want to lose my license you know).  Told the kids to begin and noted the time, 8:21.

At 8:47 all 20 kids were done.

Read the instructions for the second part.  One of the sample questions the answers were, and I kid you not, A. F, B. G, C. H, or D, K.  I mean really, I thought for a second I was in the middle of a Saturday Night Live skit.

Anyway,,,

Started the second part, which again is supposed to take 60 minutes, at 8:53.  All 20 kids were done this time at 9:11.

Do you think, perhaps, that the kids realize that the tests mean absolutely nothing to them.  No grade,  doesn’t affect their graduation, nothing.  The tests will determine whether or not our school gets taken over by the state, it could determine whether or not the teacher keeps their job, it will sure as hell make the newspaper how bad our school is, but personal responsibility for the kid…  nope.

E I E I O.

Staplers

At the AP night I mentioned in a previous post a few teachers were sitting together waiting for the presentation to be over.  One of the teachers, Ms. H___ at one point handed me a stapler.  I’m still not sure why, but she did.

It was a really nice stapler. 

I stuck it in my coat pocket.  After the presentation the teachers scattered to their pre-determined areas to meet with the parents and potential students.  After the meeting was over I went back to my room to drop off my stuff.  I still had the stapler in my pocket so I laid it on my desk.

Two days later I get an email from Ms. H___.  The email was short and to the point.

Can I have my stapler back?

I replied:  What, it wasn’t a gift?  I can’t believe you’re an Indian giver [note to anyone who might be offended by that term - get over it].  If you want your stapler back, you’ll have to come get it.

A few minutes later a student appeared at my door with a pass from Ms. H___.  I gave her the stapler.

About a week passed.  I had to go to Ms. H___’s room for something, and while there, I stole her stapler.

She emailed me the next day and asked if I had her stapler.  I replied that no, I had my stapler, she gave it to me.  A few minutes later a kid showed up with a pass and a note asking for the stapler.  I gave it to her.

Fast forward two days.  I was passing Ms. H___’s room on my way to somewhere else and noticed she had left her door open and she was nowhere to be found.  So…   I stole her stapler.

She sent and email an hour later asking if I had her stapler.  I told her no.  Sure enough a few minutes later, kid at the door.  I sent the stapler back and then sent Ms. H___ an email explaining to her that the game would be much more fun if she tried to steal her stapler back instead of sending a kid.

When I stole the stapler the next day she didn’t email me.  7th period I noticed that her stapler was gone off my desk.  ‘Aha,’ I thought, ‘The game is afoot.”

I promptly emailed her and congratulated her on joining the game.

Today one of my student’s informed me that Ms. H___ had told her students to be on the lookout for me, and to make sure her stapler remained safe.  Well, now we’re getting the students involved, nice touch.  I informed all my students that day that there would be extra credit given for anyone who brought me the stapler from Ms. H___’s room.

Sure enough, by the end of the following period I had her stapler. 

And, high school students being the way they are, most of them hadn’t been paying close attention.  By the end of the day I had seventeen staplers.  I’m not sure who the hell they belong to, but I’m thinking of putting them on eBay…

 

 

Blast from the past

In going through my saved emails I found this classic.

Me to an assistant principal:  The following juniors did not attend today’s Encore session…

Response from said assistant principal:  You need to notify the proper administrator, I have the 11th graders.

And the man has a master’s degree…

 

There’s nothing like good PR

So, last month my school held its annual AP night.  For those of you not in the know AP stands for Advanced Placement.  AP night is a requirement to enroll for an AP class.  The student and at least one parent must attend.  There is a presentation from our senior counselor explaining the program and then each AP teacher has a table set up with information and contracts.

Yes, we make our AP students, and their parents, sign a contract.  It basically says that they are aware of the workload involved and agree to meet certain requirements to remain in the class.  Anyway…

The header on the contract read like this:

M_______ High School:  Where excelence is expected!

 

I’ll give you a minute.

 

That was the header of the contract that we had our brightest kids, and their parents, sign.  And we give the kids the high stakes tests…

Hello

Okay, not sure why I’m doing this, but lets give it a shot.

I teach high school math and was cleaning out my email files the other day.  Some of them contained some funny shit.  People have told me that I tell funny stories.  Lets find out…

Some people are going to think I make this stuff up, but, it will all be true stories, ripped right from the headlines, as they say.

Keep in mind, I’m a math teacher.  If you find any grammar or punctuation errors, well, live with it.

Names will be changed to protect not the innocent, but me.

I came by the name of this adventure from a conversation I overheard between two students a week or so ago.  I was at my desk before the first bell and heard a loud sneeze that came from the hall outside my door.  It was followed in quick succession by several violent sneezes.  I mean, violent.  I got up and started to my door to check on the poor soul and heard the following:

“Dude, you okay?”

“Yeah, I guess chalk dust makes me sneeze.”

“What do you mean chalk dust?”

“I got some chalkdust from Mrs. M’s room and snorted it.  Man, that’s some bad shit.”

Now if any of you have ever wondered about the future of our children let me assure you, this isn’t an isolated incident.  High school kids are, for the most part, that stupid.   I try my best to save some, but most of them are fine fodder for comedy.  I’ll be here to chronical the comical.

And trust me, it ain’t all about the kids.  Other teachers, parents, administrators, i’m tellin’ you, funny shit.

See you around.